12 August, 2008

E-Bay Auction:Pencil Shavings

First off, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this. It is vitally important, and may change your life in ways that you had never imagined before. I appreciate your time, and if you get to the end thinking to yourself, “What is this guy talking about,” at least you will have worked your brain and heart a bit by reading an impressive essay full of emotion. I might as well start off with the reasoning behind my selling of this incredible multiuse object. I just recently started my university career and am already low on the greenbacks. Keep in mind that it is only the summer semester, meaning everything from tuition, to books, to my apartment rent is substantially less expensive than it will be in a couple of weeks. If my bank account is already running low now, imagine the rest of my college life. Suppose my financial path continues down the path it has already started on. I fear college will be a relatively short-lived experience. Furthermore, I’m going to be attending school in Paris during the fall semester. Due to several factors, the U.S. Dollar’s value has plummeted and is dropping ever more increasingly these days. Basically, Europeans are grinning from ear to ear, traveling across the globe, while American citizens, such as me, cry anytime they purchase anything, not to mention buying things outside of the country. It is not going to be cheap, and therefore I need all the assistance I can get. My excursion to Europe is the primary reasoning behind this e-bay business. Considering the fact that I am a full-time student this summer, I refused having a job on the side. I decided that I would not fail out my first semester, maybe later, but not now. For this reason alone I am trying to get as much help in getting over there and surviving. You can do this for me. Unlike other nonprofit organizations where you often do not literally see benefits of your donations, you will be able to see me experiencing Europe the way it is meant to be experienced. You will know that your dollars are benefiting a hardworking student, who will return that profit into society.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “What’s so great about a bag full of pencil shavings?” Let me inform you of several valuable uses that this product is capable of.

Alternative Pepper-Spray: Do you ever go running late
at night? I’ve noticed as I came to campus, there are thousands of students trying to stay in shape and not gain the dreaded freshman-fifteen. The easiest way to do this aside from bulimia or anorexia is running. A college student’s life is extremely busy, and there really is not time for anything other than the vital things such as spending time with the opposite sex. Subsequently, running is saved for really late at night. This, especially for females is extremely dangerous. In our modern world, we have come up with several ways to prevent kidnapping, rape, or simple harassment; the most commonly used of course being pepper spray. Seriously, I don’t even know where to get that kind of stuff; do you? This is a simple and easy solution. Merely tie this to your drawstrings or put it in your pocket as you head out for you nightly run. When halted by an unwanted visitor, easily throw a handful of the shavings directly into the eyes of the predator. This will prevent you from becoming their next victim. Your actions will teach them a lesson long-deserved.

Packaging Material: Those who move often know what a pain it is to run out of packaging materials right in the middle of a stressful move. Yet, it happens nearly every time. There never seems to be enough room, boxes, tape, or those fun little white Styrofoam peanuts. No more problems if you purchase my bag of perfectly shaped pencil shavings. The bag is perfectly sized for those small delicate items you deem as extremely fragile yet important. Simply place the precious item within the bag and then secure the bag. It is as straightforward as that. Protect all the little things that mean so much in all of our lives. It’s the little things that count right?

Party Confetti: We all love to partaa! Maybe we all don’t, so this particular use would not be valuable for an individual that would rather enjoy a good novel. However, that’s what makes this product so great, its multiuse purposes. A person like that would possibly want to skip this one use, and continue on in discovering a whole new world within this versatile product. Got a New Year’s gathering coming up, and can’t find that extra sack of colored and shredded paper anywhere? Well, pull out your food coloring, squeeze a few drops of a color of your choosing into my product, shake it all up, and voila! Confetti that would make even the ancient masquerade parties in Italy proud. There are several benefits of choosing this product over the typical paper we always see. First and foremost, it is much more environmentally friendly. Conserving and reusing resources is becoming ever more necessary in our squandering modern world. It reuses rather than destroying trees for new less effective confetti. Secondly, it is much more effortless to clean up over the traditional confetti. Paper grabs a hold of the carpet fibers and refuses to let go when being vacuumed. Shavings practically leap into the inhalation of the vacuum. Lastly, it is customizable. You choose the color combo, you choose the amount, and you choose everything else in between.

The Vomit Picker-Upper: We’ve all seen it; we’ve all almost lost our own when viewing someone else’s that’s misplaced on the floor. I’m talking of course, about vomit. It is the atrocious substance our body sometimes forces out of us due to various means. There is no one who likes to look at it, touch it, or experience it in any manner. Here’s where my product comes in extremely handy. When your little child gets the upchucks after eating something atrocious, don’t get mad. Just simply pull out your bag of shavings, and throw them on the mess. Surround the barf, let it sit and absorb for a few minutes, and then it’s ready for cleanup. Simply sweep up the reaming mess without all the goopieness involved. It’s fast and much less painful for you. No one likes to see vomit, nonetheless clean it up. With my product, it makes that part just a little bit easier.

Source of Fiber: We all need to clean out our systems every once and a while. Those arteries and various organs in our bodies get clogged with years of use. The easiest and most simple way to both cure and prevent future problems in this area, fiber is the way to go. Simply mix the shavings in with your morning shake, stir it into a salad, or simply just give your kids an after-school snack. It will ensure that those fatty acids causing problems in you to be excavated. Nutritionists are constantly recommending more fiber in everyone’s diet, and what better way than directly from the source.

Chicken Feed: This product is not only beneficial to the health of humans, but our flying friends as well. Actually, chickens don’t fly, but my shavings will ensure that they get that much closer to doing so. Surprisingly, chickens need many of the same nutritional benefits people need. Farmers everywhere are in dire need of a new source of fiber for their birds. This product has been tested by a neighbor of mine who has a handful of chickens himself. He noticed an immediate shift in the chicken’s behavior after feeding the shavings to his own birds. Better eggs, offspring, and generally more meaty as well. It’s a potential breakthrough in the chicken feed world. Simply blend the shavings with the feed of your choice, and you’ll have vigorous chickens running around and laying more eggs than ever in no time.

Pranks, Hoaxes, Etc.: Now, as listed there are several uses for my mind-boggling little bag of pencil shavings. However, there isn’t room enough for me to mention them all here. Many of the uses fall into this category, and therefore, I grouped them all together. There was an episode of the Andy Griffith show where greasy saw dust was packed in an old car's engine to give the temporary appearance that the car sounded like it was smooth running and new. Pencil shavings do this, but more effectively than your average carpenter’s trash. You could dirty your friend’s room as a joke. You could use it as a cushioned ball. Or, if you simply want a souvenir from Brigham Young University, it makes the perfect object to symbolize the hardworking school it is. Every time you look at it, you’ll think of the student you have helped continue his schooling. You’ll think of the hard work he’s doing wearing those pencils down. There are thousands of other creative ways to use your bag of shavings, but I’ll leave that fun part up to you!

This product has amazing versatility. It’s always customizable, and can be used in any creative manner you desire. Purchasing this product will ensure that you don’t have to fruitlessly waste your own pencils in order to create your own shavings.
My product is guaranteed perfection for whatever your shaving needs may be. I guarantee you’ll get it, and that it will serve you well in the future. As I close this description, I would ask you to remember what you are doing this for. Remember the poor college student just trying to get the most out of his experience while he is in school, and while he is still young and able. This is not for me; it is for the future of a young man who will return it tenfold into society. When you buy this product, you’ll feel just as good as you did when you bought that first car. It’s a great product, for an even greater purpose.

8 comments:

elysehawks said...

Eww...that vomit picture is sick. It makes me feel sick. I think I need to buy a picker upper now...ha ha.

lauren said...

you neglected to include the price. i am curious. you would have me convinced if i wasn't a poor college student as well!

Alex said...

Alex, you crack me up.
Well done.

Kelsey said...

Wow this is a crazy blog!! haha you're so funny!!

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Carry on the excellent work!

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Generic Cialis said...

you neglected to include the price. i am curious. you would have me convinced if i wasn't a poor college student as well!

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