First Kiss

Why are girls so lame? Man, I had the worst first kiss ever. Everyone is supposed to have this ideal first kiss, with someone you love and have hopefully been on more than one date with.

So, I met this girl at Campus Plaza the other day. I was really pissed at these girls in my complex because they were playing with me like a Barbie doll. I therefore decided to go and hang out with my cousin Trent at his place. He was chatting it up with people at his place. He went and played basketball and I just sat on a nearby bench. A girl came and sat next to me, but I wasn’t into it that night. I was still pretty angry about the earlier actions going on in my life. I refused to say anything, but that didn’t stop her. She had a quick phone conversation with someone. As soon as she hung up the phone, she immediately began the ever common and oh so courteous greeting.

“So do you live here?”

“No. I’m just over here hanging out with my cousin Trent, who lives here.”

“Oh… Where do you live?”

“*Sigh* Do you know where Sparks is? I live right behind Gold’s on 9^th...”

Eventually, after a relentless volley of questions, I stopped being a butt hole and just began conversing with her about her future to the movie she saw last week, and everything else in between. Before I knew it, four hours had come and gone and it was suddenly dark. Trent had long since returned to his apartment. He had even come and given me the code to his apartment because he was leaving and my bike was still in there. As the night was winding down, (due to class at eight in the morning), she asked me for my number.

To this day, I regret giving out that number. She was extremely ditsy and wasn't a great conversationalist in my mind; and I saw it from moment one. However, it had just been a while since a girl had dug me. (Who are you kidding Alex? It was the first and only girl that has dug you…). At about 2:30 in the morning, she texted me about three times without receiving a single response from me. Come on girl, I’ve got class. To get her off my back, I invited her to some lame movie I was going to watch the next day at a friend’s house for the BYU Democrats, of which I am an officer. That ended the night finally with me being more tired than usual in class the following day.

I told her I would call her later with the time, but that I thought it would be around 7:30. She kept texting, and I was in the library all day where I don’t get service. I then told her I would call her after my HEPE test, which I needed to focus all my attention on due to me bombing the previous tests. I eventually got home at around 7. I hopped in the shower cause I didn’t want to drive her completely away. Once I got out, I checked my e-mail to find the time and address for the movie. It turns out it had started at 7. I called her and explained the situation informing her that I would come over and we would find something else to do.

I ran over there, literally due to the fact of me not having a car. I was in my clothes that I had gone to school in believing that I was just going to chill with her. Turns out she had something quite different in mind. As she opened the door, I felt like the crap of the earth. She was all snazzed up and here I was in a sweaty cross-country t-shirt, a filthy pair of shorts, and a destroyed pair of Birkenstocks. My jaw dropped at the sight of her. Whoops…

I then awkwardly started a random conversation about her day; not listening to a single word of it as I became flustered at what to do now. I couldn’t just be like, "Hey, let's go play Frisbee with my friends." Nope, she was expecting something much much more. Well, after about ten minutes of, “Oh crap, what now”, she decided to go get sushi. I hate sea food, absolutely hate it… Plus, I’ve never had sushi in my life. She drove, (awkward), and we got there and waited in line for about a half an hour.

When we were finally seated, we began conversing again and I tried to get into my groove. I was totally unprepared. Going on a date takes some preparation on my part, and I’m not talking about planning the date. I literally write down topics for conversation. (Yeah, that's how horrible a date I am...) I was not in my game.

After I swallowed down some of the most atrocious matter this planet has procured from its bowels, she went to the bathroom, (I’m not surprised as to why…). I texted Brittany, my cousin. I told her the story and how I needed to get out of this horrible situation but couldn’t. She responded telling me to get off the phone and pay attention to her… Thanks Britt, I thought you had my back. I was going to 911 Britt but not now, she wasn't going to call and bail me out of this one. After we left the restaurant, (we were the last ones to leave); we began our stroll up Center Street in downtown Provo. We got up to the ghetto part, crossed the street, and headed back. It was clear what she desired that night. I didn’t know what to do. In high school, I had never so much as worked with a girl, none-the-less kissed one. I can’t give hints, nor receive them. Therefore, I just have to drop A-bombs on the girl. I basically tell them what’s up, but never actually go for anything. I’ve never held a girls hand, how am I supposed to make my way up the love chain to kissing her. She asked me if I wanted to hold her hand. *Crap…* We made our way across University Avenue. We took a bench in front of the county courthouse, the very place where I’d hosted war protests. I discussed this and innumerable amounts of other topics trying to distract away from the situation. I was such a little girl. I couldn’t stop giggling. We both knew what was going to happen, I just couldn’t… I debated with myself for approximately forty-five minutes gaining the courage to go for it. I would turn and look in her eyes. She stared right back. Her eyes seemed to pierce mine. I would get all pumped, and then look over there and pull back. Her eyes would not move away from mine. She was just waiting, and would have all night I presume. I would get right there on the verge, and then not finish.

[I would like to digress here for a second. I've been thinking about it a lot latley, and when it comes to dating and relationships, the guys have it so much harder. First and foremost, girls are way to "thinky". They read way too much into things and not enough when we're trying to drop hints. Secondly, I think it's completley bogus that we always have to do the work. We have to ask them out. That's a heck of a lot harder then saying yes or no. Then, when it comes to other things like kissing, we have to initiate it, and either feel like a fool if rejected or go for it. Dating for guys is 10x worse than it is for girls. Life's just unfair I guess. Anyways, back to the story.]

She was a stone-wall. She would not look away. Even as my head was turned away from hers, I could feel her glaring stare on the side of my neck. We were snuggled together and I couldn’t escape the situation without making an absolute retard of myself.

It’s like cliff diving. You just have to jump the second you get to the top. There’s no time or room for thought. The longer you think, the more you hesitate, and eventually give up. I kept asking stupid questions like, "Do I close my eyes", "Do you", "How long should I stay there", and "Are we going Hitch style here- 90-10," knowing well the answer to all of these, but simply trying to draw time. I would tell her that 90-10 was not fair and she would say, “Fine, how about 80-20,” jokingly. Wow, didn’t know there was negation when it came to kissing.

I couldn’t stop sniggering for about 45 minutes. Finally, I got to the edge and just went for it. It was snipe, soft, swift, and eventually a complete waste of time. The worst part of it all was when I pulled back, I said “Nice,” all cool and lame. Nice? Don’t say anything idiot! She reluctantly gives me a high five, as if this were some athletic accomplishment. Smooth move exlax. Let’s try again. It takes awhile to regain from the previous disaster. This one’s a bit longer and harder, yet ultimately still ineffective. I don’t get it, why do people like this so much? It kinda sucks, I’m not going to lie… Then it hit me, I didn’t love this chick. I was letting the physical side control me rather than the logos. I asked her what I needed to do considering she was the older and a far more experienced person in this matter. She then said, (after a couple more experimental kisses to see if I could get it right,) “If you’re going to French me, then open your mouth…” Umm… are you serious. I really didn’t want to go there considering the fact that I had just done so many firsts already and was completely overwhelmed. First hand-hold, cuddle, caress, and eventually kiss too. I played it off as cool as I could saying something like, “Oh, let’s save that for later. Plus, you do realize we just both ate sushi?” Wow, smooth Alex, real smooth… After that it was pretty much over, and my first kiss had been, nothing special. For all the hype, it really wasn’t that cool. I realized then, the physical part of a relationship is only exciting if you truly love the person.

Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom if you did. Alex appreciates it and comments you have.

PAiX