12 August, 2008

E-Bay Auction:Pencil Shavings

First off, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this. It is vitally important, and may change your life in ways that you had never imagined before. I appreciate your time, and if you get to the end thinking to yourself, “What is this guy talking about,” at least you will have worked your brain and heart a bit by reading an impressive essay full of emotion. I might as well start off with the reasoning behind my selling of this incredible multiuse object. I just recently started my university career and am already low on the greenbacks. Keep in mind that it is only the summer semester, meaning everything from tuition, to books, to my apartment rent is substantially less expensive than it will be in a couple of weeks. If my bank account is already running low now, imagine the rest of my college life. Suppose my financial path continues down the path it has already started on. I fear college will be a relatively short-lived experience. Furthermore, I’m going to be attending school in Paris during the fall semester. Due to several factors, the U.S. Dollar’s value has plummeted and is dropping ever more increasingly these days. Basically, Europeans are grinning from ear to ear, traveling across the globe, while American citizens, such as me, cry anytime they purchase anything, not to mention buying things outside of the country. It is not going to be cheap, and therefore I need all the assistance I can get. My excursion to Europe is the primary reasoning behind this e-bay business. Considering the fact that I am a full-time student this summer, I refused having a job on the side. I decided that I would not fail out my first semester, maybe later, but not now. For this reason alone I am trying to get as much help in getting over there and surviving. You can do this for me. Unlike other nonprofit organizations where you often do not literally see benefits of your donations, you will be able to see me experiencing Europe the way it is meant to be experienced. You will know that your dollars are benefiting a hardworking student, who will return that profit into society.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “What’s so great about a bag full of pencil shavings?” Let me inform you of several valuable uses that this product is capable of.

Alternative Pepper-Spray: Do you ever go running late
at night? I’ve noticed as I came to campus, there are thousands of students trying to stay in shape and not gain the dreaded freshman-fifteen. The easiest way to do this aside from bulimia or anorexia is running. A college student’s life is extremely busy, and there really is not time for anything other than the vital things such as spending time with the opposite sex. Subsequently, running is saved for really late at night. This, especially for females is extremely dangerous. In our modern world, we have come up with several ways to prevent kidnapping, rape, or simple harassment; the most commonly used of course being pepper spray. Seriously, I don’t even know where to get that kind of stuff; do you? This is a simple and easy solution. Merely tie this to your drawstrings or put it in your pocket as you head out for you nightly run. When halted by an unwanted visitor, easily throw a handful of the shavings directly into the eyes of the predator. This will prevent you from becoming their next victim. Your actions will teach them a lesson long-deserved.

Packaging Material: Those who move often know what a pain it is to run out of packaging materials right in the middle of a stressful move. Yet, it happens nearly every time. There never seems to be enough room, boxes, tape, or those fun little white Styrofoam peanuts. No more problems if you purchase my bag of perfectly shaped pencil shavings. The bag is perfectly sized for those small delicate items you deem as extremely fragile yet important. Simply place the precious item within the bag and then secure the bag. It is as straightforward as that. Protect all the little things that mean so much in all of our lives. It’s the little things that count right?

Party Confetti: We all love to partaa! Maybe we all don’t, so this particular use would not be valuable for an individual that would rather enjoy a good novel. However, that’s what makes this product so great, its multiuse purposes. A person like that would possibly want to skip this one use, and continue on in discovering a whole new world within this versatile product. Got a New Year’s gathering coming up, and can’t find that extra sack of colored and shredded paper anywhere? Well, pull out your food coloring, squeeze a few drops of a color of your choosing into my product, shake it all up, and voila! Confetti that would make even the ancient masquerade parties in Italy proud. There are several benefits of choosing this product over the typical paper we always see. First and foremost, it is much more environmentally friendly. Conserving and reusing resources is becoming ever more necessary in our squandering modern world. It reuses rather than destroying trees for new less effective confetti. Secondly, it is much more effortless to clean up over the traditional confetti. Paper grabs a hold of the carpet fibers and refuses to let go when being vacuumed. Shavings practically leap into the inhalation of the vacuum. Lastly, it is customizable. You choose the color combo, you choose the amount, and you choose everything else in between.

The Vomit Picker-Upper: We’ve all seen it; we’ve all almost lost our own when viewing someone else’s that’s misplaced on the floor. I’m talking of course, about vomit. It is the atrocious substance our body sometimes forces out of us due to various means. There is no one who likes to look at it, touch it, or experience it in any manner. Here’s where my product comes in extremely handy. When your little child gets the upchucks after eating something atrocious, don’t get mad. Just simply pull out your bag of shavings, and throw them on the mess. Surround the barf, let it sit and absorb for a few minutes, and then it’s ready for cleanup. Simply sweep up the reaming mess without all the goopieness involved. It’s fast and much less painful for you. No one likes to see vomit, nonetheless clean it up. With my product, it makes that part just a little bit easier.

Source of Fiber: We all need to clean out our systems every once and a while. Those arteries and various organs in our bodies get clogged with years of use. The easiest and most simple way to both cure and prevent future problems in this area, fiber is the way to go. Simply mix the shavings in with your morning shake, stir it into a salad, or simply just give your kids an after-school snack. It will ensure that those fatty acids causing problems in you to be excavated. Nutritionists are constantly recommending more fiber in everyone’s diet, and what better way than directly from the source.

Chicken Feed: This product is not only beneficial to the health of humans, but our flying friends as well. Actually, chickens don’t fly, but my shavings will ensure that they get that much closer to doing so. Surprisingly, chickens need many of the same nutritional benefits people need. Farmers everywhere are in dire need of a new source of fiber for their birds. This product has been tested by a neighbor of mine who has a handful of chickens himself. He noticed an immediate shift in the chicken’s behavior after feeding the shavings to his own birds. Better eggs, offspring, and generally more meaty as well. It’s a potential breakthrough in the chicken feed world. Simply blend the shavings with the feed of your choice, and you’ll have vigorous chickens running around and laying more eggs than ever in no time.

Pranks, Hoaxes, Etc.: Now, as listed there are several uses for my mind-boggling little bag of pencil shavings. However, there isn’t room enough for me to mention them all here. Many of the uses fall into this category, and therefore, I grouped them all together. There was an episode of the Andy Griffith show where greasy saw dust was packed in an old car's engine to give the temporary appearance that the car sounded like it was smooth running and new. Pencil shavings do this, but more effectively than your average carpenter’s trash. You could dirty your friend’s room as a joke. You could use it as a cushioned ball. Or, if you simply want a souvenir from Brigham Young University, it makes the perfect object to symbolize the hardworking school it is. Every time you look at it, you’ll think of the student you have helped continue his schooling. You’ll think of the hard work he’s doing wearing those pencils down. There are thousands of other creative ways to use your bag of shavings, but I’ll leave that fun part up to you!

This product has amazing versatility. It’s always customizable, and can be used in any creative manner you desire. Purchasing this product will ensure that you don’t have to fruitlessly waste your own pencils in order to create your own shavings.
My product is guaranteed perfection for whatever your shaving needs may be. I guarantee you’ll get it, and that it will serve you well in the future. As I close this description, I would ask you to remember what you are doing this for. Remember the poor college student just trying to get the most out of his experience while he is in school, and while he is still young and able. This is not for me; it is for the future of a young man who will return it tenfold into society. When you buy this product, you’ll feel just as good as you did when you bought that first car. It’s a great product, for an even greater purpose.

04 August, 2008

First Kiss

Why are girls so lame? Man, I had the worst first kiss ever. Everyone is supposed to have this ideal first kiss, with someone you love and have hopefully been on more than one date with.

So, I met this girl at Campus Plaza the other day. I was really pissed at these girls in my complex because they were playing with me like a Barbie doll. I therefore decided to go and hang out with my cousin Trent at his place. He was chatting it up with people at his place. He went and played basketball and I just sat on a nearby bench. A girl came and sat next to me, but I wasn’t into it that night. I was still pretty angry about the earlier actions going on in my life. I refused to say anything, but that didn’t stop her. She had a quick phone conversation with someone. As soon as she hung up the phone, she immediately began the ever common and oh so courteous greeting.

“So do you live here?”

“No. I’m just over here hanging out with my cousin Trent, who lives here.”

“Oh… Where do you live?”

“*Sigh* Do you know where Sparks is? I live right behind Gold’s on 9th...”

Eventually, after a relentless volley of questions, I stopped being a butt hole and just began conversing with her about her future to the movie she saw last week, and everything else in between. Before I knew it, four hours had come and gone and it was suddenly dark. Trent had long since returned to his apartment. He had even come and given me the code to his apartment because he was leaving and my bike was still in there. As the night was winding down, (due to class at eight in the morning), she asked me for my number.

To this day, I regret giving out that number. She was extremely ditsy and wasn't a great conversationalist in my mind; and I saw it from moment one. However, it had just been a while since a girl had dug me. (Who are you kidding Alex? It was the first and only girl that has dug you…). At about 2:30 in the morning, she texted me about three times without receiving a single response from me. Come on girl, I’ve got class. To get her off my back, I invited her to some lame movie I was going to watch the next day at a friend’s house for the BYU Democrats, of which I am an officer. That ended the night finally with me being more tired than usual in class the following day.

I told her I would call her later with the time, but that I thought it would be around 7:30. She kept texting, and I was in the library all day where I don’t get service. I then told her I would call her after my HEPE test, which I needed to focus all my attention on due to me bombing the previous tests. I eventually got home at around 7. I hopped in the shower cause I didn’t want to drive her completely away. Once I got out, I checked my e-mail to find the time and address for the movie. It turns out it had started at 7. I called her and explained the situation informing her that I would come over and we would find something else to do.

I ran over there, literally due to the fact of me not having a car. I was in my clothes that I had gone to school in believing that I was just going to chill with her. Turns out she had something quite different in mind. As she opened the door, I felt like the crap of the earth. She was all snazzed up and here I was in a sweaty cross-country t-shirt, a filthy pair of shorts, and a destroyed pair of Birkenstocks. My jaw dropped at the sight of her. Whoops…

I then awkwardly started a random conversation about her day; not listening to a single word of it as I became flustered at what to do now. I couldn’t just be like, "Hey, let's go play Frisbee with my friends." Nope, she was expecting something much much more. Well, after about ten minutes of, “Oh crap, what now”, she decided to go get sushi. I hate sea food, absolutely hate it… Plus, I’ve never had sushi in my life. She drove, (awkward), and we got there and waited in line for about a half an hour.

When we were finally seated, we began conversing again and I tried to get into my groove. I was totally unprepared. Going on a date takes some preparation on my part, and I’m not talking about planning the date. I literally write down topics for conversation. (Yeah, that's how horrible a date I am...) I was not in my game.

After I swallowed down some of the most atrocious matter this planet has procured from its bowels, she went to the bathroom, (I’m not surprised as to why…). I texted Brittany, my cousin. I told her the story and how I needed to get out of this horrible situation but couldn’t. She responded telling me to get off the phone and pay attention to her… Thanks Britt, I thought you had my back. I was going to 911 Britt but not now, she wasn't going to call and bail me out of this one. After we left the restaurant, (we were the last ones to leave); we began our stroll up Center Street in downtown Provo. We got up to the ghetto part, crossed the street, and headed back. It was clear what she desired that night. I didn’t know what to do. In high school, I had never so much as worked with a girl, none-the-less kissed one. I can’t give hints, nor receive them. Therefore, I just have to drop A-bombs on the girl. I basically tell them what’s up, but never actually go for anything. I’ve never held a girls hand, how am I supposed to make my way up the love chain to kissing her. She asked me if I wanted to hold her hand. *Crap…* We made our way across University Avenue. We took a bench in front of the county courthouse, the very place where I’d hosted war protests. I discussed this and innumerable amounts of other topics trying to distract away from the situation. I was such a little girl. I couldn’t stop giggling. We both knew what was going to happen, I just couldn’t… I debated with myself for approximately forty-five minutes gaining the courage to go for it. I would turn and look in her eyes. She stared right back. Her eyes seemed to pierce mine. I would get all pumped, and then look over there and pull back. Her eyes would not move away from mine. She was just waiting, and would have all night I presume. I would get right there on the verge, and then not finish.

[I would like to digress here for a second. I've been thinking about it a lot latley, and when it comes to dating and relationships, the guys have it so much harder. First and foremost, girls are way to "thinky". They read way too much into things and not enough when we're trying to drop hints. Secondly, I think it's completley bogus that we always have to do the work. We have to ask them out. That's a heck of a lot harder then saying yes or no. Then, when it comes to other things like kissing, we have to initiate it, and either feel like a fool if rejected or go for it. Dating for guys is 10x worse than it is for girls. Life's just unfair I guess. Anyways, back to the story.]

She was a stone-wall. She would not look away. Even as my head was turned away from hers, I could feel her glaring stare on the side of my neck. We were snuggled together and I couldn’t escape the situation without making an absolute retard of myself.

It’s like cliff diving. You just have to jump the second you get to the top. There’s no time or room for thought. The longer you think, the more you hesitate, and eventually give up. I kept asking stupid questions like, "Do I close my eyes", "Do you", "How long should I stay there", and "Are we going Hitch style here- 90-10," knowing well the answer to all of these, but simply trying to draw time. I would tell her that 90-10 was not fair and she would say, “Fine, how about 80-20,” jokingly. Wow, didn’t know there was negation when it came to kissing.

I couldn’t stop sniggering for about 45 minutes. Finally, I got to the edge and just went for it. It was snipe, soft, swift, and eventually a complete waste of time. The worst part of it all was when I pulled back, I said “Nice,” all cool and lame. Nice? Don’t say anything idiot! She reluctantly gives me a high five, as if this were some athletic accomplishment. Smooth move exlax. Let’s try again. It takes awhile to regain from the previous disaster. This one’s a bit longer and harder, yet ultimately still ineffective. I don’t get it, why do people like this so much? It kinda sucks, I’m not going to lie… Then it hit me, I didn’t love this chick. I was letting the physical side control me rather than the logos. I asked her what I needed to do considering she was the older and a far more experienced person in this matter. She then said, (after a couple more experimental kisses to see if I could get it right,) “If you’re going to French me, then open your mouth…” Umm… are you serious. I really didn’t want to go there considering the fact that I had just done so many firsts already and was completely overwhelmed. First hand-hold, cuddle, caress, and eventually kiss too. I played it off as cool as I could saying something like, “Oh, let’s save that for later. Plus, you do realize we just both ate sushi?” Wow, smooth Alex, real smooth… After that it was pretty much over, and my first kiss had been, nothing special. For all the hype, it really wasn’t that cool. I realized then, the physical part of a relationship is only exciting if you truly love the person.

Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom if you did. Alex appreciates it and comments you have.